I’m having one of those moments that I need an ear but there is nobody to listen. Nobody. Nada. I think I’ve pushed a majority of them away with my borderline like characteristics.. or they’re just busy… not sure. But the point is that I have nobody to listen and just want to talk.
I talked to my ex today. Her name is Amy. It was good to talk to her but even typing out her name makes me tear up because I realize what I did to lose her. I did the same thing I’m doing now. I wasn’t taking care of myself and just didn’t care about life or anyone. Today, I can honestly say I care about life but I really don’t see much that has changed in me other than the big switch to Lithium. She reminded me today that we are not a good fit. What does that even mean? What she meant it to mean and what I took it as I hope are two different things. What I heard is… “Dan, you’re not good enough.”
I know I’m not. I’m not the dream man she deserves and the father that her child deserves. I’m an almost 30 something that is doing nothing with his life. Nothing. I’m not making progress, I’m not helping people, hell, I’m lucky to get a shower every day. I’m watching a dog and that is it.
I’ve been playing this day up for months in my head. ”What should I say when I get to talk to her? Can I get her to take me back?” I would think to myself, “it’ll work out like the movies! I’ll pursue her and tell her how wrong I was and how much I love her…” but then the day came… the conversation happened… none of that was said but I was still told “Dan, we’re not a good fit for each other.”
I think my life is a bunch of expectations that never happen. I can think of so many things I thought would happen and they didn’t come to fruition at all. They always ended up working out in a way that would result in me being hurt. Maybe it’s because I always hope for the best….
Reality is a bitch.