“Compared to bipolar’s magic, reality seems a raw deal. It’s not just the boredom that makes recovery so difficult, it’s the slow dawning pain that comes with sanity – the realization of illnesss, the humiliating scenes, the blown money and friendships and confidence. Depression seems almost inevitable. The pendulum swings back from transcendence in shards, a bloody, dangerous mess. Crazy high is better than crazy low. So we gamble, dump the pills, and stick it to the control freaks and doctors. They don’t understand, we say. They just don’t get it. They’ll never be artists.”
― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family
“They’ll never be artists…” I love this. Unless you have bipolar disorder and have experienced the joy of being manic then you just do not know. Being manic is like a gift. It’s our brain’s way of saying, “hey, you’re good enough and now you’re going to show the world.” That’s how I’ve experienced it anyway. I have experienced mania as sometimes too fast and too noisy, but hypomania has been my saving grace. It comes and reaches me out of the clutches of depression and thrusts me into life with all of its beauty, its experiences, its joys, and its gifts. That’s how I am now. I’m very up and just feeling amazing. I have discontinued my lithium. The reason why I decided to do this is quite simple. It killed me. Not literally but figuratively. It killed a part of me that I wanted back. It didn’t ease my depression or help the lows but it sure as hell did kill the ups. It never allowed me to go beyond “okay” and I felt like a walking zombie. Can anyone relate to this? My emotions were numb, or worse—dark, and my mind was dulled. I didn’t like it at all. I felt like to be “normal” was to give up everything I had. I felt like to be normal was to give up the very essence of who I am on this earth and who I have been made to be. So I decided to say the hell with that little pill and have continued to take the rest as normal.
I didn’t ask my doctor too. That’s how I roll haha. I’m such a rebel. I decided that she would not agree so I was going to experiment and try it for myself. I also am humble enough that if the madness returns and I cannot function that I will tap out and take the lithium again. I am also taking better care of myself. I am hardly drinking, I am exercising, getting sun, eating healthy, and just doing the things I know I need to do to be successful in this mental health walk that we are on. So, that sums up what’s been going on in my life lately. I hope all of you are well and look forward to hearing from some of you.