The above picture has been my drink of choice this past week. Instead of a lime and full flavored soda, I’ve went with Sailor Jerry and diet pepsi, every now and then mixing it up with diet cherry pepsi. Not a bad drink. A damning one if you will because you drink it without even tasting much of the rum. Also, without all of the added calories it’s not quite as damning on the waist line, but it still is a mixed drink. It still is something that kills sobriety. It still is an escape from a mind numbing existence.
I stopped going to AA about 3 weeks ago. I’d say the biggest reason that I stopped was because my sponsor was so pushy. He would call me every day. I didn’t like that. I don’t want called every day, especially by someone I don’t know that well. It just wasn’t a good fit. I rushed into it and found a guy because he was kind, but it just wasn’t a good fit. I don’t trust alot of alcoholics because they don’t have the training that I do as a therapist so I feel like their ability to help me in the 12 steps and to handle my emotions is somewhat less than what I can do. What a narcissistic asshole I am, eh?! It’s true though. I do have a friend who’s a long time pal of mine. He’s a recovering addict and took me to my first AA meeting. I’ve talked with him about doing step work with him because he’s someone I trust and a good friend. I know he could handle my stuff. I just know I was on Step 4 “”Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.” I guess that word “fearless” is what I get hung up on. I mean, I know that God can handle my honest inventory but can I handle my honest inventory? Sounds a bit strange but is how I feel. I think I’ve come to a point that I’m so tired of looking at what is wrong with me that for once, for the love of God, just once I want to look at what is right!
Right now not alot feels real right. My mind, well, she is good. Stubborn at times, definitely a ball of emotion, but walking a positive path in terms of good thinking. The rest of me though, oy! I haven’t been to the gym in over a month, stopped going to AA, haven’t been to church since after Christmas, haven’t worked since October, feeling less and less connected with people, am back on Facebook (which I’m still unsure why), have eaten terrible, started drinking again, did some recreational pills lately, and almost gave into weed.
Today I can’t see the tree from the woods. Everywhere I look I see dead forest. I’m unable to see that one little tree in the middle that has growth and vegetation on it, representing life and new beginnings. Today I see death and despair. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not depressed. Quite the contrary, I feel that I could be around anyone and look happy as a clam and they would know no better. For the first time in my life, I’m hiding the real me and I don’t know if I like it or not, but at least keeps others from using the information I provide against me and to hurt me.
I’m hungry. HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). I’ve always learned to look at those things before you use. My mind’s not in the best place in this moment because I’m hungry. I will eat soon and probably even feel better. Happy Saturday all!
PS: Title of post from a Dave Matthews Band song.