Tonight was a night about me. I decided earlier in the day that I wanted to stay sober today and haven’t even had the desire to get a drink. Actually, I rescheduled plans with a friend who invited me out for wings because, in all honesty, it would have been too tempting to have a single beer with my wings. I didn’t want a single beer. Not today. I wanted to prove to myself that I could resist the temptation when it arose and not let drinking be the center of my every day. What I found was a beautiful evening for myself. I went to church. A big church. One of those churches that you walk into and can hide. I like that. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to interact with anyone, just me and God. I like it like that. I liked being able to let the worship music radiate through my ears and mind and then listen to the sermon. No pressure. No church face. Just broken Mr. Dan and Jesus. That was a beautiful thing. Because, see, I am a big baby J fan. The problem is, I don’t really show it. Well, that’s going to change. I want to not be preachy by any means, but what I want to do is let God live through me. The pastor said tonight:
“The spiritual life is about letting Christ live through you, not what you can do for Him.”
I like that thought. Scratch that. LOVE that thought. Why, you may ask? I love that thought because there’s freedom in it. If I stay connected to my source of unconditional love then I will live a life of such. I will love God and love others. My actions will begin to change and line up with that connection. It’s like a light being plugged into a power outlet, then and only then is there power to the bulb to change the environment of the room, it dispels darkness and does nothing more than stay plugged in. That is what I want to be. A guy who is focused on his own spirituality and let’s the big guy do the work. I’m tired of trying and failing.. He can have it. Because, let’s face it folks, I’m a mess; but boy do I have potential to be something special.
Bipolar disorder is hell for its victims. It calls to a darkness and desperation for something, but gives you nothing in return. I’m finding that something, in a personal spirituality, devoid of what others say and want. This time, it’s about me. So I will continue to write, seek, and change. Things that all of you have stated that you want for me. And let’s face it, who doesn’t love a happy Dan 6!? I know I do.